| There's nothing like the deep breaths after laughing that hard, |
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[09 Jul 2005|03:59am] |
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[01 Jul 2005|12:01am] |
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| Long time, no post |
[24 May 2005|12:57pm] |
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The Get Up Kids-Out of Reach |
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My first year of college....done, gone, finished, over with. And let me tell you...
that scares the friggin crap out of me.
Who decided it was my time to grow up? Who sat down and said "Kate, it is time you become an adult. Go forth and learn and teach". Don't get me wrong, there's nothing more that I wanna do in this world than teach. But here I am, and I just want to do anything in my power to stop this process of time passing and lives changing. And another thing, this whole, coming home then going back to college, how messed up is that?
Think of it. You are raised for 18 years, brought up in the same place for extended periods of time. And then it's time to get ripped away from your home. You get ripped away from everything and everyone you love, and in the blink of an eye, you have nothing. Nothing but a small room, a new roomate, and nothing to comfort you for a really long time. The first week of school...god...I cried so much. I missed everything and everyone and I felt like I was going to die without them. But time passed, and I developed this amazing bond with everyone on my floor. For a year we did everything together, shared jokes together...I had created friendships just like the ones I had at home. And then what do they do? They rip me away from them again! Ripped away from the people I love to return to the people I love. It's such a ridiculous tug of war, going back and forth between places and people you love. I miss all of them a tremendous amount, but I think the fact that I had people to come home definetely eased the blow this time.
Well. I mean...it's weird. The people who I had become so close to during school even while I was away from them...Ok this is going to sound weird. But I still miss them, and I see them all the time. One word: girlfriends. They're coming back into the picture to take away my male counterparts. They're nice girls, I've met them, hung out with them, and I approve of them, which I guess makes it hurt even more. People who I confided in, talked to every single day, consoled, the person who I feared would be taken away from me by the devil known as cancer...he still lives 5 minutes away from me, we still see each other every day, we still talk all the time, but something is different, and it's the fact that when this girl calls, he leaves the room for extended periods of time, returns to the room, and says she's coming by.
I hate distance, did you know that? I am 250 miles away from everyone once again. Abscence may make the heart grow fonder. But i think it's breaking my heart really. There is someone...someone that I hate being away from. And I shoudln't!. He proved himself to be a dick numerous times...but there were so so so so so many times that he proved to be the nicest, funniest, kid, with these piercing blue eyes that made you forget everything you were thinking about. And having nothing but late night IM conversations to bridge this 250 mile gap, and to know that there's a girl with him 250 miles away...I guess that's the real thing that's breaking my heart. My heart...I don't consider it being broken anymore, merely the pieces of it are being stepped on and they're far beyond repair.
I have the greatest friends in the world. I shouldn't be unhappy, and don't get me wrong, I'm not. I am not so much unhappy as I am...lonely. And not so much lonely as I am unfufilled. Yes, unfufilled is perfect There's always this one thing missing. This one piece that would make everything perfectly alright and I can't seem to find it anywhere. Behold: I am the human jigsaw puzzle, with one of its pieces missing, probably sucked up into a vaccuum somewhere.
I am not one to depend on a guy, to need a guy in my life to live and function and breathe and feel like my life has purpose. But it would be nice to have one. And I feel as if my situation at home were different, if certain people didn't have certain girlfriends, it wouldn't hurt so much. Because the relationships I have with these guys are amazing, and they manage to be that missing piece for me without us ever going out. I love those pieces, I always will, they will always have this special place in my heart that no one will be able to reach or step on or break.
Life is fickle and confusing and I might as well enjoy the ride while I'm on it right?
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[14 Jan 2005|11:51am] |
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Jimmy Eat World-Work |
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...i'm worried i won't see your face light up again...
back to school in 2.
leaving these kids in 2.
gonna miss it no doubt.
it was a good break. adventures and road trips were taken. things were broken..including hearts. diners were visited, bets were made and lost (most of the time by me). old friends were seen, new enemies were seen...everyone was seen. it was good to be back, it'll be good to be at school again, but there's this part of me...this part that doesn't want to leave again. that is perfectly content with staying here until the end of my days with everyone around me. but i gotta grow up at one point in my life, right? so here i am. i'm growing up. i'm learning from every single mistake i am making. and i've made alot. one in particular that i can't erase from my mind.
i had you at my fingertips, you had me in your arms...and we just lay there...and that was all...i fell asleep in your arms, and it was the soundest i've slept in a long time. but when we woke up it was done...and i lied to myself and said it was for the best.
straylight run=<3
i should start packing. blah.
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| haven't been here in a while.... |
[24 Dec 2004|05:29pm] |
2004 in Review
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
stood up for myself...sad but true...and i'm damn proud of myself...and i went to south beach wooo!
2. Did you keep your New Years resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
eh...sorta...and yes i shall
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Laura!
4. Did anyone close to you die?
...patty...
5. What countries did you visit?
none
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
love interest
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
senior prom and senior prom weekend...where it all began...and the night we stole that street sign...and every single summer night...it was a good year
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
making myself happy for once instead of worrying about others
9. What was your biggest failure?
...dont know
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
not so much
11. What was the best thing you bought?
my good old martha stewart drying rack haha
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Anthony, for reverting from his dick-ish behaviors
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
meg and kim...bah
14. Where did most of your money go?
schooling
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
the summer...so vague, but true
17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
happier...much, much, much happier
ii. thinner or fatter? same
iii. richer or poorer? eh, same i suppouse
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
expressed my feelings
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
spending time with the two aforementioned bitches
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
in staten island with the family :)
22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
yes...we 11 kids :)
23. How many one night stands?
none
24. What was your favorite TV program(s)?
real world/road rules challenge...alwyas has been always will be
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
...see the bitches
26. What was the best book you read?
the five people you meet in heaven
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
straylight run, damien rice, snow patrol
28. What did you want and get?
true friends
29. What did you want and not get?
ummm...hmmm dont know
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
anchorman!
31. What did you do on your birthday?
well i went to school cause it was a wednesday, but the birthday weekend was spent with friends in basements and oh it was just lovely :)
32. What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?
if the summer had been extended by a few months....it was too short :(
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
sweats. all. the. time.
34. What kept you sane?
my fuckers :)
35. Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
hmmm....erm....i dont really fancy them?
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
BUSH
37. Who did you miss?
EVERYONE
38. Who was the best new person you met?
all the crazies on my floor
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
make yourself happy. everything gets better from there.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"i'm gonna stay eighteen forever so we can stay like this forever and we'll never miss a party cause we'll keep them going constantly. and we'll never have to listen to anyone about anything. when it's all been done and it's all been said, we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get....you're just jealous cause we're young and in love....and you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed and you're tearing up your photos cause you wanna forget it's over"
a little choppy i know, but basically that song is this year.
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[16 Aug 2004|06:57am] |
I'm not ready to leave everyone. At all.
This weekend was rough. Saying goodbye to sean on thursday didn't seem right. Up until the goodbye, we were all laughing and cracking jokes and just being ourselves. And then sean's mom called and told him to go home. And we had to say goodbye. And I didn't want to. When I saw Kevin crying, I knew it was going to be a sad, sad sight.
Jenna cried, sean cried, laur cried, mo cried, i cried, kev cried...no good times.
And I just had to say goodbye to my best friend last night. I couldn't even talk when I was done. Kev leaves saturday. Rob leaves the 24th. And then its my turn and I can't do it.
I don't want to go.
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[13 Aug 2004|07:57am] |
YOUR DRAG QUEEN NAME: (NAME OF FIRST PET + STREET YOU LIVE ON)
Casper Woodland
YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (NAME OF YOUR FAVOURITE SNACK FOOD + GRANDFATHERS FIRST NAME)
Grape Neil
YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (FIRST WORD YOU SEE ON YOUR LEFT + FAVOURITE RESTAURANT)
Five Cosimos
EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS: (Favorite Spice + Last Foreign Vacation Spot)
Pepper Bermuda
SOCIALITE ALIAS: (Silliest Childhood Nickname + Town Where You First Partied)"
Afro Monroe
"FLY GIRL" ALIAS (a la J. Lo): (First Initial + First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name)
K Mc
ICON ALIAS: (Something Sweet Within Sight + Any Liquid in Kitchen)
Grape Tea
DETECTIVE ALIAS: (Favorite Baby Animal + Where You Went to High School)
Chicken Monroe
BARFLY ALIAS: (Last Snack Food You Ate + Your Favorite Alcoholic Drink)
Cake Seabreeze
SOAP OPERA ALIAS: (Middle Name + Street Where You First Lived)
Elizabeth East 55th Street...good one
ROCK STAR ALIAS: (Favorite Candy + Last Name Of Favorite Musician)
Skittles Matthews
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[02 Aug 2004|01:54pm] |
my roomate is awesome.
she loves rent.
she loves bruce springsteen.
she loves jason mraz.
she loves john mayer.
she loves dave.
yes!
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[31 Jul 2004|07:02pm] |
ah. so much fun. ah.
last night i went to catie's house. fun. end of discussion. brendan jenna kevin and mo showed up. and basicaly, brendan showed me and jenna that he does have a heart, and a really good one at that. and he was just too cute. we were in catie's basement playing ping pong (well i attempted to play) and we were all just bullshitting for an hour and in the middle of our discussion, out of nowhere, he was like "dude this is why i fuckin love you two!"
me and jenna just started laughing, we didn't know how to respond. it was too cute.
and i caught jenna with my fishing pole, fought brendan to the death, did the thunder clap, jumped on kevin, disgraced our family's name, and chewed already been chewed gum thanks to jenna. AND i learned that you have to earn his giant wonder spoon!
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[30 Jul 2004|01:00am] |
We...are very good friends indeed.
Anthony got a new car yesterday. 2004 Black Honda Civic. Rims. Gauges. Grill. Sunroof. The works. I don't understand, this kid drives around a piece of shit station wagon (lovingly dubbed the shaggin wagon) for his senior year, and waits till the end of it to buy a new car. Whatever. It's really nice, and a definete upgrade from the last car. Me, Mo, Kev, Sean and Jenna were bored tonight, so we decided to "christen" the newest member of our family. We blew up balloons, got some ribbon, got some streamers, and got some cupcakes for anthony as a sort of congratulations for him...or something like that.
And then we scared the shit out of him.
We snuck up to his bedroom window and tapped on it, and you hear him yelling "who is that! i swear to god who is that?!" all nervous and what not. Kid opens his window with a baseball bat in his hand, and he sees me, mo, and kevin standing there with balloons (some with rather obscene messages on them) and cupcakes.
So we all drive back to mo's house and lay in her driveway for an hour just talking. It was quite the experience. Oh, and while all this was going on, I was wearing a coon skin hat (pootycoon). And then it was time for me to go home, so jenna drove me home on the hood of her car...again.
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[28 Jul 2004|11:35am] |
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You can only be an alcoholic when you graduate from college, because you are then entering the 'Real World'. The 'Real World' gives negative labels those who consume alcohol constantly. As we all know college is not the real world so therefore those who consume alcohol constantly should be thought of as those who are indulging in their youth. So next time your friend is drinking at 10 in the morning don't call him an alcoholic call him a "youth indulger"...the same holds true for those of us who are promiscuous.
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[27 Jul 2004|12:09pm] |
"Do I wither up and disappear, or do I make the best of my time left?" he had asked himself. He would not wither. He would not be ashamed of dying
No more writing songs in my apartment, songs that no one would hear
I buried myself in accomplishments, because with accomplishments, I believed I could control things.
Accept what you are able to do and what you are not able to do, accept the past as past without denying it or discarding it. Learn to forgive yourself and forgive others. Don't assume that it's too late to get involved.
I decided I'm going to live-or at least try to live-the way way I want-with dignity, with courage, with humor, with composure.
I hope that one day, you will think of me as your friend
I was suprised at such affection after all these years, but then, in the stone walls I had built between my present and my past, I had forgotten how close we once were.
Life without freedom to get up and go-motorcycle beneath you, breeze in your face, down the streets of paris, into the mountains of Tibet-was not a good life at all.
Dying is only one thing to be sad over Mitch. Living unhappily is something else.
I am surrounded by loving, caring sould. How many people can say that?
They gave up days and weeks of their lives, addicted to someone else's drama.
I guess the key to finding the meaning of life is to take out the garbage.
Maybe death is the great equalizer, the one big thing that can finally make strangers shed a tear for one another.
The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.
Love is the only rational act.
For all the noise I make with my friends, I am still not comfortable talking about my feelings in front of others.
I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then i concentrate on all the good things still in my life.
How useful it would be to put a daily limit on self pity.
Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too-even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling.
Tapes, like photographs and videos, are a desperate attempt to steal something from death's suitcase.
Every confused and tortured soul I knew wanted that clarity.
Part of me is scared of leaving school. Part of me wants to go desperately. Tension of opposites.
The loving relationships maintain me.
The truth is, Mitch, once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.
The fact is, there is no foundation, no secure ground, upon which people may stand today if it isn't the family.
If you don't have the support and love and caring and concern that you get from a family, you don't have much at all. Love is so supremely important. As our great poet Auden said, 'Love each other or perish'
Without love, we are birds with broken wings.
This is part of what a family is about, not just love, but letting others know there's someone who is watching out for them.
Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent
Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help.
We all yearn in some way to return to those days when we were completely taken care of-unconditional love, unconditional attention.
As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed at twenty-two, you'd always be as ignorant as you were at twenty-two. Aging is not just decaying you know. It's growth.
If you've found meaning in your life, you don't want to go back. You want to go forward.
You have to find what is good and true and beautiful in you life as it is now.
Money is not a substitute for tenderness and power is not a substitute for tenderness. I can tell you, as I'm sitting here dying, when you most need it, neither money nor power will give you the feeling you're looking for, no matter how much of them you have.
If you're trying to show off for people at the top, forget it. They will look down at you anyhow. And if you're trying to show off for the people at the botton, forget it. They will envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone.
Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won't be dissatisfied, you won't be envious, you won't be longing for somebody else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overwhelmed with what comes back.
Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.
I believe in being fully present. That means you should be with the person you're with.
People haven't found meaning in their lives, so they're running around all the time looking for it. They think the next car, the next house, the next job. Then they found those things are empty too, and they keep running.
There would be lots of holding and kissing and talking and laughter and no goodbyes left unsaid.
I've learned this much about marriage. You get tested. You find out who you are, who the other person is, and how you accomodate and don't.
How we think, what we value-those you must choose yourself. You can't let anyone or any society determine those for you.
We all have the same beginning-birth-and we all have the same end-death. So how different can we be?
Invest in the human family. Invest in people. Build a little community of those you love and who love you.
Don't let go too soon, but don't hang on too long.
Tears are okay.
We need to forgive ourselves for the things we didn't do. All the things we should have done. You can't get stuck on the regrets of what should have happened.
As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.
Death ends a life, not a relationship.
There is no formula to relationships. They have to be negotiated in loving ways, with room for both parties, what they want and what they need, what they can do and what their life is like.
Love is when you're as concerned about someone else's situation as you are about your own.
"You...are a good soul...touched me..." he whispered. He moved my hand to his heart, "here".
Pay attention when your loved ones are speaking, as if it were the last time you might hear them.
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[24 Jul 2004|01:10pm] |
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Lean Back in my head |
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The shore isn't fun when you're 18 and you're surrounded by 10 year olds for a week straight.
The first week was fine. Me and my sister hung out for most of the time, and then brendan, maureen, anthony, mike, kevin, rachel, and jenna came to visit from friday to sunday. That was an adventure in itself. That could have been my whole vacation, it was that much fun. The first night was....odd? We wrestled on the beach, almost got arrested two times because of our crystal light, brendan pushed my sister off a bench and gave her 4 bruises, which then prompted her to walk about 2 miles home, which prompted me and her to fight, which prompted the lady above barnacle bill's to come out and yell at us, which prompted me to curse off the lady, which prompted the rest of the kids in the van to go into fits of laughter. I finally got brendan to go out and apologize to her and we all went home semi-happily. Things I learned the first night: anthony calls shotgun in his sleep, brendan talks in his sleep, and brendan snores insanely loud.
Day 2 of their visit. We woke up early and went to the beach...well mo rach and kevin did. Me jenna mike anthony and brendan waited a little...and by waited i mean we watched the three boys drink at 11am....disgusting. But we made it to the beach, dug a hole that was too deep, got yelled at by the hole patrol, etc. etc. That was a good start to the day. We went home, drank a little bit, went to some shanty of a clam bar, and pigged out. Then we came back home and the drinking really began. I was threatened to be thrown off the deck on about 3 occassions, and was told that i'm "not really a girl" about 4 times...awesome? My mom came back so we went to the beach and attempted to play football, threw the ball at jenna (which whacked her in the face) and then we decided it was too dark to play football. So we walked about 2.5 miles to the boardwalk...why...why i couldn't tell you. We saw the lady that yelled at me the previous night. Ha. Funny? No. We got to the boardwalk and fucked around for a little. We watched a man make a 232384574754 point turn. That amused us for like...27 minutes. Oh! And the night before we all got our palms read. What did mine say...shit...ok here it is: I'm gonna have one marriage, 3 kids, live past my 80's, and love my career. Also, the woman said not to touch the boy who was being "chummy" with me, and that someone loved me and i didn't even know it, and next year there will be "lots of touching". That made me laugh. Anyways, back to night 2. Halfway through our walk to the boardwalk, kevin rach and mo left and went back home. So when we finally came home, they were all sleeping. Being the assholes that we are, me mike anthony and brendan fucked around with them. We were loud, brendan and mike kept rapping for like...an hour and a half. "Three's company, but four's a crowd", "Oh yea that's real fuckin mature guys, real mature". Oh god I laughed so hard. And then we woke up and they left and it was very very upsetting to watch them leave. The next week was heeellllllll. All by myself, my sister gone, my friends gone, blah. And getting a voicemail from rob in the middle of the week, telling me to pack my bags, stick my boogie board in the trunk, and come home so he can pick me up and bring me to goshen with everyone, really, really, really, made me want to come home. Blah x 1919181811.
But alas, i survived, and I returned home to a glorious feast prepared by mo and rach. And to crazy antics tonight. Let's see: hitting golf balls onto the highway, losing my money in poker, post-itting brendan's car after he left us to hang out with ten year olds at anthony's, boxing kevin and losing in a blaze of glory, playing lacrosse on mo's lawn, and finally finishing my damn roll of film.
Tomorrow=laura's baby shower...i'm kinda not in the modd to watch someone open up a bajillion gifts and play dumb baby games....i'm just not.
Monday=work possibly. Argh. But a paycheck too. Whoopie!
annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd SLEEP!
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[08 Jul 2004|03:16pm] |
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Dashboard Confessional-Vindicated |
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"People who go to college are incredible. We go to classes. We read and absorb and are comprehensively tested on heavy amounts of various materials. We sleep very little. We drink ourselves into oblivion. We kill ourselves with several types of smoke. We cough and keep sneezing. Someone is always sick. Someone is always complaining. We become attached to close friends. We smother each other. We lean too much, but our friends don't mind. We think often of the past and want to
go back. We know we cannot, and soon we won't want to. We all had separate lives, families, backgrounds and pasts. We live totally different from how we used to live. We are frustrated and sometimes want to give up, but we never stop trying, and our friends won't let us. We disregard health. We eat awful foods. We are forced to think about the future. We are scared and confused. We reach out for things, yet we don't find them. We try to sort out our minds, which are filled with
studies, worries, problems, memories, emotions--powerful feelings. We wander the campus looking for happiness, which can be found in a friend's smile. We hurt--a lot, but a friend always tries to take the hurt away. We keep going, though, because above all else, we never stop learning, growing, changing, and most important dreaming. Dreams keep us going and they always will. All we can do is be thankful that we have something to hold onto, like dreams and each other."
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[05 Jul 2004|12:31am] |
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O.A.R.-City On Down |
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Happy Fourth Of July :)
Today was good, seeing as i had to work from 1-930. So I did the whole work thing, and watched the fireworks as I drove to Jenna's. I got to Jenna's and we played lacrosse on the front lawn and then mo kev and brendan showed up. We just bummed around, watched jackass the movie, ordered dominoes and lied to the delivery man, and packed our week with shit to do.
I feel as if whenever I'm gone, someone's parents leave and there's a party. For example, tuesday into wednesday brendan'd parents will be gone. Where will I be? Orientation for Geneseo of course. But it's ok, cause mike will be with me. And then wednesday through friday is maureen's, but that's ok, since I'll be here. And then I leave on the 10th for the shore for two weeks....guess who else leaves on the 10th for 6 days? Oh right, that would be Kevin's parents. Whattt theee fuuuucckkk. Blah. Oh well. They're gonna come to the shore from the 16th to the 18th (or 17th to 18th, either or) so it's ok.
Yesterday was...eventfull? I worked 12-8, got out of work and went to Jenna's. We attempted to go to Joe's in New Paltz. We got there at like 1130, and it was dumb since I had to be back by one, and it was even dumber since we didnt know boys had to be 19 to get in, and both kevin and brendan decided to not use their fake i.d.'s, since their both 18. So we had to turn around and go home anyway. But I don't know, I wasn't too dissappointed. Yea, I was pissed that we drove all the way there for nothing, but there's something about those nights when you do nothing at all, yet still manage to have a really good time. I went home and I was satisfied. Maybe it was because I stepped in dog poop on rachel's lawn before we left, maybe it was because a creepy guy talked to me at the gas station, maybe it was because brendan almost lit my car on fire (which he tried to do again tonight), maybe it was because my car smelled like funky ass after kevin and brendan smoked cigars in it, maybe it was because brendan opened his door while I was doing 85 on the thruway...well whatever the reason I actually really, really, enjoyed myself last night.
Tomorrow I have to work 2-930...blllaaahhhhhhhh. And then I have to pack for orientation. I don't even know what I'm suppoused to bring. And then i have to get up at like, 6 in the morning to get to geneseo in time for orientation....another bllaaaaahhhhhhhh from me.
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[01 Jul 2004|09:01pm] |
When the keg has been kicked, when the liquor has run dry, when we've fallen outta love with that 'perfect' guy. When the party is over. When we're passed out on the floor. When we can't keep kickin ass in beer pong anymore. When the cigs are gone. When there's no weed in the place. When our mascara is running all over our face. When we've fallen down. When the world has turned cold and we're sitting in our rockers gettin' old. We'll still be friends cause we'll all know the deal. We're the crew and we'll always keep it real.
really really real
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[29 Jun 2004|12:48pm] |
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Sublime-What Happened |
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Wake up in the morning, Clock says half past one
I have no sunglasses as i step into the sun
There's no recollection of the evil things i've done
My head feels like I musta had some fun...
What a night :)
Kev's grad party at the china club in the city. Intense. Pregamed at Jenna's...continued to pregame on the bus....then i guess you can say we gamed? at the club. All around AMAZING time.
Some interesting things were said. I'm gonna leave it at that. Oh. And we all fucked on cocaine again!
And we went to extremes....false advertisement.
God I need some sleep...
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naughty_koolaid's journal